Portland Is Leaving (one of my favorite songs)

Come along with me now 'cause
there are things I been dying to tell you
the best of the worst things that you never needed to know
this is the kinda comedy where no one's laughing
'cause its hard to

I'm a punch line whos punch drunk with
my fist in a broken mirror.

There's a party nearby, I can hear it
laughter in the distance and it all comes clear
sounds too simple.

Love is the only answer
everything else is just a train wreck.

Gonna stay up all night, every night
for the rest of my life
'til the lines around my eyes grow deeper and more defined
you might ask me aren't you dead inside and so damn tired
I say I have no idea

I'm not sleepin' until after the dying is over

I can hear laughter in the distance and it all comes clear
sounds too simple
love is the only answer
love's a train wreck, you're a mistake.

Anonymous

I have so many questions for you. I have so many questions about myself. I wonder who you are sometimes. You're not the person I used to know. But then again, neither am I. We've built a history, you and I. So why does it feel like we're strangers? I'm afraid of my thoughts and my feelings. I'm angry at you. I'm disappointed in me. My mind is a cluster-fuck of fuck, and I just want to un-fuck it.

The answers seem so simple once I remove myself from the hole. The problem is, this hole is home, and as dark as it is, there's a comfort level in the suffering. The question isn't even "do I want it to end?" The question is, "do I want it to continue?" Like this? Hell no! Then why am I here? I can't even answer that question. We both know love isn't enough. Not by a long shot. Is it this place that turns us against each other? Makes me need from you the very things you are incapable of giving, or just don't want to give me? Will things change, or is this geography? I don't see light in either tunnel. I don't even know where they lead.

It's like watching the shadows of the ceiling fan as they flicker on the edge of the wall. They're predictable, but still I'm amused. You are the shadow that flickers. You have said so many hurtful things. I have waited for you. I have made promises and kept them. And yet I have let you down... mostly by letting myself down. I have required and received. Laughed and cried. Gone mad, been mad, sad, relieved and everything in between. I've worn the tread so thin I'm just plain stuck.

It can't be easy living with me. I'm emotionally unstable. Manic at times. I recognize these things and try so hard to mask them and deal with them privately. And by that I mean, with me, myself, and I. The worst part about it is knowing that you are also fucked up, but you think you're fine. You've been living like this for so long that to you, you are fine. It's like two sick birds trying to fly.

I have to rethink some things. The only thing I know anymore, is that I love you way too much. And it feels like it's going to kill me.

Feeling A Little Twentynine Palms-ish...

So, I'm rapidly approaching my two year mark in the majestic and serene town of Twentynine Palms. It sounds like a nice place, but really it's just a bunch of sand rocks. Oh, and it houses the biggest combat training center in the US, MCAGCC. I like what the Marine Corps stands for, but I get really tired of seeing Marines everywhere I go. They're even shopping at the Dollar Tree on Saturdays. Who does that?

You might be asking yourself, "besides Marines, and a Marine Corps base, what else does Twentynine Palms have to offer?" Well, since I'm a helpful kind of gal, I'll answer that for you. First, I must give a brief description of the population. If you're on base you will see there are 4 basic types of people: Single Marines, Married Marines, fat wives, and skinny wives. There's another group, but I have no opinion of them so we'll just honorably mention the civilian employees and go on with my commentary of the afore mentioned.

Single Marines are easy to spot. They're generally carefree enough to hit on married ladies in the PX , local bars, and occasionally while driving down what is known as 'The Hill'. There's a story here, but I'll just hit the key points. The hill that leads to the metropolis of Palm Springs, white Government Van a.k.a MAV, two Marines, giant piece of paper, phone number. Anyway, single Marines are usually over confident because they have pulled the "I'm a Marine." line on as many bro ho's as they can count, and it's worked to get into many of their panties. They drink too much, and if the rest of us are lucky, word spreads of the shenanigans, and people like me are entertained by whatever drunken debauchery they somehow felt was necessary on the Saturday before last.

Married Marines are like single Marines, but usually won't hit on anyone openly. They drive the wrong way on the one way street, while speeding because that makes more sense. They have loud parties and let their kids stay up while they get drunk. Actually these are my neighbors. Let me begin again. Married Marines are married to the other two groups. Fat wives, and skinny wives. There is no in between. And by that I mean there are people who look overly skinny and normal, and then there are just plain obese dunkin' donut fat bodies. This may sound offensive, but the only people who are really going to find that rude are the people it describes. And I also don't care about a lot right now, so offending people isn't going to bother me much.

Anyway, since I'm tired of writing about this I'll just say, Marines do Marine things, wives don't do anything. Myself included. I would, but there's not shit to do. The scenery is ugly, the people probably were cool at one point, but the sun melted down their personalities, and somehow I get the feeling Twentynine Palms is a preview of Hell. This is actually where you end up if you misbehave. In light of that I'm going to try to find a virtue or two so I don't end up back here in the afterlife.

I realize this doesn't directly answer the question posed above. But indirectly it tells you there is nothing else here, and it's probably not on a whole lot of vacation brochures.

Under Construction

Besides my life being in a constant state of 'under construction', so is my blog page.