The answers seem so simple once I remove myself from the hole. The problem is, this hole is home, and as dark as it is, there's a comfort level in the suffering. The question isn't even "do I want it to end?" The question is, "do I want it to continue?" Like this? Hell no! Then why am I here? I can't even answer that question. We both know love isn't enough. Not by a long shot. Is it this place that turns us against each other? Makes me need from you the very things you are incapable of giving, or just don't want to give me? Will things change, or is this geography? I don't see light in either tunnel. I don't even know where they lead.
It's like watching the shadows of the ceiling fan as they flicker on the edge of the wall. They're predictable, but still I'm amused. You are the shadow that flickers. You have said so many hurtful things. I have waited for you. I have made promises and kept them. And yet I have let you down... mostly by letting myself down. I have required and received. Laughed and cried. Gone mad, been mad, sad, relieved and everything in between. I've worn the tread so thin I'm just plain stuck.
It can't be easy living with me. I'm emotionally unstable. Manic at times. I recognize these things and try so hard to mask them and deal with them privately. And by that I mean, with me, myself, and I. The worst part about it is knowing that you are also fucked up, but you think you're fine. You've been living like this for so long that to you, you are fine. It's like two sick birds trying to fly.
I have to rethink some things. The only thing I know anymore, is that I love you way too much. And it feels like it's going to kill me.
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